I am no stranger to failure and rejection. Ask me the number of times I’ve applied for an internship at NBC Universal. I’ll be honest, I couldn’t give you an answer because I’ve lost count. Now ask me how many internships or jobs I’ve applied to outside of NBC Universal — again, I’ve lost count.
I never got any of those internships or jobs. I’ll be quite frank: I didn’t even score interviews for any of them. That’s right — none of them. I did interview once, recently, for a position I was really excited about. I never heard back after my interview.
They always sting for a little bit after. But, I rather quickly brush it off and move on. I pride myself on how quickly and easily I am able to bounce back after being rejected — or not even considered — for jobs or internships. I tell myself that I will have other opportunities and if I didn’t get the job, it’s just because it wasn’t meant to be or it wasn’t meant for me. I really am okay with that.
My most recent failure, however, was a little bit different.
Anyone who knows me well — or has literally even taken one look at my Instagram page — knows that I love Disney. Some may even call me a “Disney Adult,” which they wouldn’t be wrong. But the point is: I really love Disney. It has been my dream to do the Disney College Program for as long as I can remember. I’m pretty sure the first time I ever heard about it, I made the decision in that very moment that I was going to do it.
It sounded like a dream to me. I get to live at Disney, get paid to work there, and go to the parks whenever I wanted on my days off. I never gave up that dream, even when I was in college. I considered even taking a semester off from school — yes, taking a semester off from NYU and living in New York City — to live and work at Disney World.
I decided against taking that semester, and instead decided I would apply after I graduated. Then, Covid happened and they stopped the program. Just a few weeks ago, they announced they were bringing it back. I applied the day applications opened.
And, well, I didn’t get in.
Being turned down for the opportunity hurt more than I thought it would have. It still hurts. I found out that I didn’t get in the day after my college graduation. Also, get this, I was at Disney when I found out. Go figure, right?
I really thought I had it in the bag. I told myself that. Everyone around me told me that. “You’re obsessed with Disney, there’s no way you won’t get in.” Well, turns out there was a way I didn’t get in. Believe me, no one is more shocked than me.
Telling myself all the things I had told myself before didn’t feel the same. Maybe it’s because I didn’t want those other opportunities as badly as I wanted this one. Yet, still, no matter how many times I told myself “Your time will come” or “That just means you weren’t meant for it” or “That means there’s a better opportunity for you out there,” none of it made me feel better. It actually made me feel worse. If the thing I’ve wanted for most of my life wasn’t for me, then what was?
I think a lot about toxic positivity in our society and with the people around us. A lot of times, people will do what they can to try to make us feel better and throw positivity at us when we’re hurting. But I have to remind myself sometimes that I’m allowed to feel sad or hurt or upset, even when I don’t get something I’ve worked hard for. We hear that we need to pick ourselves back up and move past failure. That all of our past failures put us where we are today, and to use them as motivation moving forward. I honestly don’t disagree with any of that. I believe it’s true. That doesn’t take away the hurt that comes from rejection. I allowed — and continue to allow — myself to feel whatever I was feeling, knowing that I don’t have to be positive or “look on the bright side” every second of every day.
The truth is: failure sucks. It hurts like a b*tch. Especially when it’s something you wanted so, so badly. It makes you want to give up and not try again because you don’t want to go through the same feelings ever again. And this goes for anything: jobs, love, friendships, etc. Losing something you’ve worked so hard for makes you feel like crap.
I’m still hurt that I didn’t get in, but — for my sanity — I have to believe that there is a reason that I didn’t. I know I can always reapply in the future but, honestly, I don’t know if I will.
